The Green Man Boutique Hotel

We only needed somewhere for one night, but left as soon as we saw the place and went to the Stansted Holiday Inn instead. It cost only a little more and felt far cleaner and safer. This place seemed like an abandoned, filthy building, and anyone could get inside through the fire escape, even though they sent a code for the room. There was no reception, staff, or communication. I wouldn't call it a hotel at all, it felt like a scam. Honestly, sleeping on a bench outside Stansted might have been safer. The whole place had a horror-house feel, as if Buffalo Bill might jump out and shout, "It puts the lotion on or it gets the hose." Avoid it.

The room seemed all right when I first looked in, with a big brass bedstead and a soft mattress. But there was only one teabag and no coffee, and neither sink worked properly: one had no spout, while the other barely ran. Getting to the rooms means using an outdoor metal staircase with poor lighting. The bar was closed for good, with no food or drinks available. There’s a pub and chippy about a three-minute drive away, though on the way back I drove past the property because there was no outside lighting. I wouldn't recommend staying here.

The location is the only good thing about this place. The room was filthy, and the bedding looked as if someone had just climbed out of it and quickly pulled it straight for the next guest. The cups hadn't been washed, though there were teabags and sugar. Outside, piles and piles of rubbish were left under the fire escape, which seemed both a health hazard and a fire risk. This isn't a boutique hotel, or really a hotel at all. Don't stay here.

The room was simply dirty, and the bed wasn't clean either. The decor felt dated, and a lot of the equipment looked broken even when it still worked. The bed itself was not too bad. Access is through an unattractive metal fire escape at the back, with the door left open all the time, so people from the street can wander in. The place is in Takeley Street, roughly a 25-minute walk or five-minute drive from Takeley. I can only guess that the young couple next door knew the lockbox code and were staying without invitation. They arrived just before midnight and left around 5 a.m., keeping me awake the whole night. For £55 a night, it felt more like a drug den or a low-quality youth hostel. Do yourself a favour and choose a proper hotel or one of the nice BnBs in Takeley. This was a waste of money.