Mr. Monkey Amsterdam

The location was the only good thing. The room was so small there was barely space for one open suitcase on the floor, and the bed got in the way of shutting the door. There’s no elevator, and the stairs to the rooms are very steep, which isn’t ideal for people with mobility issues or heavy luggage. The listing mentions luxury toiletries, but there were none when we arrived, not even hand soap. When we asked, they gave us a random container of body wash and hair conditioner, with no hand soap or shampoo, and nothing luxurious. At night the bass from the insanely loud club next door rattled our room until 4AM. We also saw another guest trying to check in during business hours, but the lobby doors were locked and no one answered the phone. She had to book elsewhere because she couldn’t get in. I wouldn’t book again.

The location is right in central Amsterdam, which explains why it costs as much as it does for what you get. There’s underground parking about a three minute walk away, which is handy, and check-in was easy. The rooms can be extremely small, though they have what you need. The bathroom was difficult for me: the shower glass didn’t fully separate the shower area, so water splashed around and I needed a towel to keep the floor dry. The sink was tiny too, barely enough space to put anything. The stairs to the upper floors are extremely steep, so be prepared.

Dirty throughout, noisy, and after my first night I woke up covered in bug bites. MR MONKEY was hands down the worst hotel I’ve ever stayed in. There was no room service for the five days I was there, and nobody to contact at the front desk. The sink didn’t drain properly and eventually broke altogether, but no one came to fix it. The air conditioning did work, which was one small plus, though it leaked onto the floor. Picking up my key card was also uncomplicated, even though I arrived after reception had closed. I wouldn’t recommend this hotel to anyone. I’d give it zero stars if I could.

The sink and light switch were broken, the carpet tiles had huge gaps, and the window didn’t really close. The toiletries were empty, and there was mold in the tile gaps. The tub plug was missing too, and the TV was fastened with cable ties. Add in loud people screaming across the floor, and I definitely won’t stay here again.