Cliffside Cottages

I don’t usually post reviews, since I’m only a mosquito, but I had to say something this time. My larvae and I love it here! The management are geniuses at using fake photos to lure in big, juicy, air-conditioned meals. The towels are kept in a perfect damp state, making an ideal nursery for my hundreds of flying offspring. There’s no need to go far for dinner, it arrives stressed and delicious right in the room. The cockroaches make great roommates, and the peeling paint completes the breeding-ground atmosphere. The most wonderful all-inclusive resort for skeeters.

There was no parking, cockroaches, and so many mosquitoes that we looked like we had measles. Dogs barked and fought outside our window, and the place is right on the main road, so we heard traffic all night. It wasn’t on the beach at all. The whole area smelled like a sewer, with garbage and junk stacked up. This was the worst place I’ve stayed in the Philippines. No refunds.

We were told to park on the road and move the car before enforcement came and put a boot on the wheel. They said removing the boot costs $2,500. They also suggested parking at the church, but the church told us there was no parking. The hotel says it never claimed to have parking. The photos are misleading. Some show nice tile and heavy photoshopping, but they aren’t this hotel. The actual place had cockroaches and mosquitoes all night, then the power went out. There was trash piled in the compound, peeling paint, and stains on the ceiling. The traffic and noise from the main road went on all night, and there were also barking dogs, sewer smell, mold, and no parking. I asked for a refund before moving in, after seeing what we’d booked, and was told there were no refunds. We paid double for Cliffside, then the following night found a much better place for half the cost, with free ice and parking and none of the mosquitoes, roaches, noise, or frustration. The next place also had ample parking. I wouldn’t stay here for free, literally. Save your money and grief, and don’t come unless you like mosquitoes, barking dogs, heavy traffic, sewer smells, mold, cockroaches, and zero parking. Read the reviews for an honest impression, and if you stay, leave an honest review whether it’s good or bad. I’m sure yours will be one star too. It’s sad there’s no option for negative stars.

The location was perfect, at least, but the rooms were nothing like the photos. They were basement rooms with a bad smell and dampness. Nobody cleaned ours during the three days we were there. The bathroom was really disgusting, the shower barely worked, and we had to wash using the genital faucet. I’ve stayed in better prisons.