Charlemont Arms Hotel

The food was disappointing: the chips were pale, the plastic ramekins did nothing to stop the famous Armagh ramekin thief, and the lettuce garnish with a Christmas lunch was ridiculous. The men's toilet also badly needed a deep clean, with yellow-stained urinals and a filthy mirror. I was glad I didn’t need a cubicle, as it brought Trainspotting to mind. While supporting a lady with learning disabilities, we came in for lunch, our first and last visit. From the start, the receptionist/server barely acknowledged us. Her manner was curt while taking the order, and despite both of us saying thank you each time, she never even acknowledged it. Maybe she was under the weather, as she had a cough, but perhaps she should wash her hands after coughing before touching the desk phone or cutlery. Waiting to pay added a few grey hairs. The server only said thank you then, far too late to be angling for a tip. When I asked for a receipt, she looked at me with utter contempt and slammed it on the counter. If you’re going in this evening, bring her Lockets and Lemsip, maybe it’ll cheer her up. Basil Fawlty would blush at this service. If you enjoy Fawlty Towers, come on in and knock yourself out, unless the smell from the men's toilets gets you first.

After a few months away, I called in again and was very disappointed. I’ve been here many times before and the food used to be fine. This time I ordered chicken goujons and chips. The chips were reheated, the salad was old, and I got just three small goujons.

I waited 45 minutes for my meal during a quiet period, and it arrived cold. The restaurant food was abysmal, and the waiters were impatient and "forgetful". From the moment I walked in, the staff were incredibly rude, even mocking my southern accent. I heard remarks like fenian behind my back, though I didn’t confront anyone. The woman at the desk was terribly unkind. My room was a complete pigsty and should be considered a health hazard, but when I tried to move to a better one, my request was scorned. The whole place felt seedy and run-down. Gary Forster deserves a dishonorable mention for making the stay memorable in a way that certainly didn’t make for a happy customer. One of the worst hospitality experiences I’ve had, with more hostility than hospitality. Steer clear of this place.

We stopped in for lunch at 3:30 on a Sunday and were the only customers. The staff were using bad language, and when I asked about gluten-free options, the response wasn’t something I could take home with a smile. The food wasn’t nice, and the experience wasn’t pleasant either.