John Hand Club Hotel

The bar kept blasting music until 3 a.m. When I raised it with management, they told me to “just enjoy the vibe.” I asked for fresh linens and got told housekeeping had gone home, with one towel offered as the answer. The room was disgusting: stained sheets, hair in the shower drain, and a sticky mystery patch on the nightstand. The hallway carpet smelled musty, and it looked like nobody had cleaned the room in ages. At check-in, the front desk staff acted like I was a nuisance. No hello or smile, just a key card pushed across the counter. The decor looked like a thrift store had lost a fight with a dumpster. The John Hand Club presents itself as a quirky boutique hotel, but don’t buy the pitch. I’ve stayed in some questionable motels, and this was a nightmare. I left a day early and still feel like I need a tetanus shot, a shower, a therapist, and an exorcism. If you care about your health, sanity, or money, stay far away.

I lasted about an hour before deciding the place was nasty, and then they wouldn’t refund my money. The service was extremely rude, too. The area felt like the sketchiest part of Birmingham. They call it a private balcony, but the whole floor shares it, so it’s basically a fishbowl. Keep your clothes on if you’re hoping for a romantic evening. They should be ashamed of those policies.

It’s an unusual setup, with what seems to be a hotel floor inside an office building, so there’s no hotel restaurant. There is a small coffee station in the shared lounge, plus a decent gym and a cool cocktail lounge. The room was really nice, with lots of space and comfortable bedding. Finding self-parking downtown was a bonus. I’d recommend it for a local sort of stay that’s different from a standard hotel, with good accommodations to make it worthwhile.

The stay was meant to be calm and relaxing, but we got kicked out over a noise complaint while we were knitting. The room was foul, with a sour laundry and marijuana smell, roaches and other unknown things on the floor, and what looked like a dried period stain on the sheets. Everything felt dirty and sketchy. Getting there was a mess, too. We arrived to an empty lobby with no signs or instructions and stood around awkwardly for 20 minutes. Then a guy showed up, sarcastic and rude, acting like we were bothering him and giving us no directions. We still struggled to find the room ourselves. Absolutely disgusting, one of the worst experiences of my life. A park bench beats this crumble stone dump.