Lorne Coachman Inn

For a budget stay, the location is handy, close to the beach and town centre, with a designated space to park safely. I also appreciated the older man who was doing his best to accommodate guests. But after booking five non-refundable nights through bookings.com, we felt stuck. The rooms are dated, the bed sagged, the carpet was filthy and the room smelled damp. A used kitchen towel had been left rolled behind the microwave, the TVs didn't work, and the outside barbecue or cooker was unclean. The wifi was okay and the toilet was clean, though it made a terrible noise, especially at night. The shower needed about 10 minutes to heat up, and we could hear the neighbours talking. If comfort, relaxation and cleanliness matter to you, I'd look elsewhere.

The room was quiet and I slept well. I liked the cross breeze with the kitchen and front windows open, and the screens kept bugs out. The front rolling shades made it easy to get privacy. I was a few minutes late checking out at 10am, but they didn't bother me. From the second floor, you look over the caravan park next door.

This place is hard to describe, just deeply depressing. Staff avoid eye contact as you pass, like they know how bad it is. It feels as if they've completely given up, and honestly, they should pay people to sleep here. Even with my wife leaving me, my kids hating me, a bottle of Oxy, three bottles of Jim Beam and $57 in the bank, I still wouldn't pay to stay here. The room brings to mind the motel Nicolas cage stayed in in fear and loathing in Las Vegas mixed with the bathroom in trainspotting. No words really capture the disappointment.

The pictures on booking.com didn't match the room we got. I regretted the booking as soon as we drove in, and opening the door confirmed it: the room was dated and smelled bad. We had to wedge flip flops under the bed wheels to stop it moving. I wish I'd read the reviews first. I won't make that mistake again. Take the warning seriously.