Grand Robertos Inn

I’m basically Sir Alex Ferguson, with 13 EPL titles and 2 Champions League wins at United, and they gave me room 802. Bugs were flying around the lobby, and there was a rotten flesh smell near the stairs. I thought it was coming from the ghost of Anne Boleyn and ran to the safest spot. Then my room door opened to a laughing sound. That evening, FIFA 1994 on my old console was delayed and glitchy, and I lost 9-1, so I blame the TV and plugs. At 8:30 pm, I watched Manchester United vs Burnley, but the TV kept speeding ahead while the real match lagged behind. The whole Old Trafford game felt like a hallucination, and everyone, including Andre Onana, said so. At 2:28 am, a poltergeist apocalypse hit my room. Things flew around, I was lifted and levitated, and the TV started showing Portal-like stuff. I slipped into the screen, which was a portal to another dimension. To get back to reality, I had to take the elevator to floors 7, 9, 8, 1, 2, 5, and 6. Back in reality, I got angry and started wrecking things because the hotel treated the best manager like a joke. When I operated on the TV, I found water damage on the motherboard, and some rituals made whatever it showed glitch reality. I told the manager, but he said, “It’s normal old man.” I got so mad I smashed cups and other stuff and cigarettes, almost like there was another poltergeist. Not impressed with your performance, GRI.

The room had such a strong fungus smell that it was almost unbearable. Staff also said Agoda payment wasn't valid and that we should pay again, leaving us to sort out any refund with Agoda ourselves. Before 7 am, they repeatedly shouted to each other in the corridor right outside our room. The flimsy door let light in all around its frame. Worst hotel I've seen in the Philippines. Someone should take them to court.

Roberto’s Abung Inn and Resto is one of the best places in Batad Banaue.

We’ve stayed here twice. The room and comfort room were clean, with complete amenities and a hot and cold shower. The split type aircon kept things very cool, and the bed and pillow were comfortable. I especially liked the comforter. It’s close to Abra State University and Abra Sports Complex for jogging, with a famous miki eatery nearby and a laundry shop across the street. The staff and security guard were friendly, and the Wi-Fi was okay. It’s a bit pricey, but good value for the money.